CARL AND ME

i watched the kennedy center honors last night.. amongst others they honored the man who makes me laugh more than anyone else on this planet, mel brooks.. just saying his name brings a smile to my face.

the sad part for me was seeing how old he looked and is..he was introduced by another of my comedic heros, carl reiner who is 88 and looks maybe 85 1/2 tops.

now follow this carefully.. i've always had a crush on carl and knew he was happily married. i also knew his wife was 7 years older than he was and would statistically pass away before carl. so in my imagination (which is very fertile) i decided if this were to happen, that carl and i would date and get married.

well sadly for carl, his wife did pass away last year at the age of 94.. they had been married for 60 some odd years and i understand it was a wonderful union.

so i tell a girlfriend of mine about this crush that i had and she happens to be friends with carls wifes nephew who also is jerry seinfelds manager.. got that?

much to my chagrin and amusement, my friend tells seinfelds manager about me and he says, i'm sure carl would love to meet her. she of course described how magnetic and charming and smart and funny i am .(ok maybe not all the above but some of it). so my friend decides to make a date for us to meet. the problem is i live in florida and carl in los angeles! but all is not lost.. my daughter lives in california and i'll be visiting her in march. problem solved............. NOT SO FAST !

so i begin thinking about this and decide this might not be good.. after all he has three grown children and grandchildren and if we get serious, the kids will think i'm after his money. so i make up a story in my head (fertile imagination again) that i meet his kids and reassure them that i'm not anna nicolle smith and i have no interest in his wealth. i then tell them that i will sign a pre-dating paper that states, should something happen to him that i have no rights to any of his money or personal belongings. then the issue arises (in my fertile mind) that they won't want me in their mothers home and they dont want him to sell the house. so i suggest that carl and i buy a house in malibu and never use carls marital home. rob reiner, carls son becomes incensed and says, who the hell is gonna pay for that house in malibu? i say to rob, your father will buy the home in the siblings name. rob then says, my father and mother lived in that house in beverly hills for 40 years and i'll be damned if my father is gonna buy a house in malibu with some tramp.

in my mind, this is not going well at all. so i say to carl, lets elope and screw the kids and we do.

this is all before i've had a cup of coffee with him..

i love having a fertile imagination and hope you all write a story for yourself like this. i'm having so much fun with it.

be back soon

RAW DEAL

last night a friend and i went to ruth chris for that quiet, expensive dinner i dreamed about after my bubba gump fiasco.

we were escorted to our table and the first thing i noticed was it wasn't as quiet a restaurant as i had hoped for. but in my head i said, after last night, this is nirvana.

our waiter came to our table and for reasons i can't explain, he amused me.. he was a very gay man who overarticulated his words. his mouth moved like a marionette with each and every word. my friend didnt find him amusing which amused me even more.

i wanted to order the lobster tail but at a price of $67.00 for a tail it seemed obscene. i ordered a caesar salad minus the croutons and a rack of lamb.

my friend ordered a caesar salad minus the croutons and a steak. the salad arrived WITH croutons. i took my croutons off of my plate but my friend said if she removed the croutons, there might be crouton dust left in the salad ! and i am called strange .crouton dust !! crouton dust !!

we returned the salad and waited for our main dishes.. my lamb arrived perfectly cooked and her steak which she ordered medium rare, arrived raw. we summoned our very gay, over articulating waiter who couldn't have been nicer as he overarticulated his apology. he took the steak back and returned with the same steak almost as raw as it was before. so again the steak was returned and finally it arrived medium rare. our very gay, overarticulating waiter was relieved.

the bill arrived and the restaurant didnt charge my friend for her steak which was the right thing to do. to her credit, she gave the waiter a very large tip. i was finished with my dinner when she was beginning hers which is never a good thing.

i am certain that our very gay, over articulating waiter told all his co-workers about this tip in his very gay, overarticulating way. can you tell how amused i was by him that i keep repeating gay and overarticulating?

as you can tell, the best part of the evening was the waiter. i'm done with restaurants.

FOREST DUMP

tonite we went to Bubba Gumps for dinner. the place was probably founded by some neo-nazi, anti-semetic bastard.

the noise level was deafening and the food... well, it sucked .i ordered a medley of seafood. lobster, which i never found, bland shrimp, miniscule muscles and at best 2 clams. i'm dieting so having jasmine rice thank god was out of the question as was the garlic bread which somehow didn't smell like garlic.

the waiters are obnoxiously upbeat doing shtick from forest gump the movie, which i hated anyway.

all my loving feelings have gone away. one restaurant is capable of doing that to me.

tomorrow night i'm going to ruth chris which is so expensive that people are afraid to talk. i right now have no desire to talk or to hear anyone speak.

i'm going to sleep . tomorrow is accupuncture and massage which should fix my miserable, negative, vile mood.

be back soon

SIMPLICITY

life gets sooo screwed up sometimes.. our minds take us on trips that a travel agent wouldn't book us on. thoughts, feelings, observations, all screwy.

i'm in maui as you know by now and surrounded by the most loving people ever and feeling really great.

i'm not a nature lover but i'd be a fool if i wasn't affected by the beauty of my surroundings. i look out from my room or from any point in this house and see the pacific ocean and mountains.. the air is clear, the skies are blue, the sunsets breathtaking. if maui wasn't in maui. if it was closer to ny, i'd move here in a heartbeat. i hate new york so the above makes no sense.

today i did some water exercises in the pool, had some lunch, then a two hour nap.i have no thoughts in my head at all.. this never happens to me.. but it has and i'm loving it.

its 8:20 in the evening. we just finished dinner, the kiddies are in the pool and the grownups are doing their own things.

last night we went to a really lousy restaurant and even that seemed good. this is all new to me.

i suspect you expected more from me but this is what i gots to give.. i'm loving everything !

be back

JUST HAPPY

today was a perfect day. i don't know what made it perfect but it felt fabulous.

i slept til 9:30. woke up feeling great.. went into the kitchen where i was met by everyone saying, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD ! i hope they weren't disappointed. i grabbed a cup of coffee, went out to the lanai by the pool and watch 4 totally obnoxious kids playing in the pool.. a friend is here who is the mother of 3 of these kids and yet had to bring a friend along for her boys to play with. the ages of the boys are 15, 12 the friend is 14 and suri cruise jr. is sarah jordan age 7.

sarah jordan dresses like a 25 year old hooker. she has many pairs of shoes as she likes to tell me and the ones she wore today were gold steve madden sandals.she wore them with a pink frilly outfit and an orange headband encrusted with rhinestones. i enjoy her.

i swam for a while screaming at the kids to stop splashing to no avail.. i sunned myself and then had an accupucture treatment followed by a delicious massage. i haven't felt this good in a very long time.

now of course i want to move to maui.. it's my m.o. wherever i am that i like, i wanna move there and usually do !

the kids just left for a luau and i'm going to take advantage of the quiet.

this was boring i know but thats how it goes today.

be back later

SOUTH BEACH IN MAUI

it's day 3 of my diet.. i haven't mentioned my decision to diet..

it's a fine time to do it. being in maui where fruits are as fresh as can be and the scent of pineapples waft thru everyones home, i decided to be on a fruit free, carb free, taste free diet. i've been following a program that is similiar to south beach but more restrictive if that's possible..

i've been eating basically protein and i feel very full. go figure.i also have the diet nazi overseeing what i eat. i won't mention who the diet nazi is but she has the bluest eyes i've ever seen. for those of you who know me, know exactly who i'm talking about.

low and behold, after 3 days i'm feeling really good. the only problem i seem to be unable to go caca.. i feel like i'm going to explode.as is said, if its not one thing, its the other. (i love that i used the word caca)

i've been getting accupuncture treatments every other day since i'm here. i have no idea what it does but i enjoy the euphoric feeling i get afterwards. between the dieting and accupuncture, i'm a happy camper.

i'm going into the pool now . i decided i have to have my own pool.. god help me not want to move again.

be back later

mysteries of medicines

i have been having very mysterious symptoms in my bod and i've gone to at least 20 drs in the past 5 years.. i have been given every test known to mankind and NOTHING shows up.. NOTHING !. my biggest complaint is this overwhelming malaise i feel. i've been told i'm depressed, which is always a possibility but i don't feel depressed. i've had enough depressive bouts to know when i'm depressed. i was told i might have lupus or ms. the fact that i have none of the symptoms of these diseases didn't seem to impress the drs. i went to..i've been told that if i lost weight i'd be fine.. weight loss cures lupus and ms? this situation has been going on for about 5 years now. it doesn't get better, it doesn't get worse.. its just there.. i figured if it was really bad i'd be dead by now. well the mystery has been solved after all these years . and it came from a young woman whose degree is not in biochemistry or medicine. her degree is in the arts and psychology.. my daughter !

my child was searching the web for something not relating to me and came upon a site for the cholesterol lowering drug CRESTOR. well low and behold there were many, many articles on the drug written by physicans who had taken the drug and showed the exact signs that i've been showing. from what i read thus far, the damage that has been done is irreversible. one dr. couldn't walk and now after years of proper diet and exercise can slowly walk.. he still shows sign of what i'm calling THE POISONING BY CRESTOR.included are all the statin drugs like lipito, zocor etc. this information is all new to me but you can be assured, i will investigate further and sue the crap out of the drug company and even my own dr. who when i asked him about the dangers of crestor, said, its a perfectly safe drug. IT'S NOT ! we as a society have been duped by the drug companies and everyone can sit on their asses and just complain but this woman likes to make waves and i'll be making waves.

the one thing my friends and family know about me, is don't piss me off.. the drug companies will soon learn this also.

i'm going swimming now to get rid of some of this anger.. i think if i swam the english channel, i'd still be pissed !

be back soon

babs and me

last night about 9 pm i decided to go swimming. the water in the pool is 88 so its perfect for night swimming.. i put on a streisand cd and just floated. a warm pool and babs singing. doesn't get much better than that for me.

i closed my eyes as i floated and remembered the first time i met her. it was in las vegas in 1994 and my first moment of meeting her is inbedded in my brain. i recall feeling light headed when i saw her.. what shocked me is how little she is. shes slender and shockingly beautiful. she was wearing an all white outfit with a white cashmere shawl and shes a blonde. so to me she looked like an angel. it was one of those special moments in my life.

i went to all her rehearsals, her sound checks and after singing People, her signature song, she actually said, linda , how was that? i remember saying, barbra its a hellava lot better than i can do or any other person on this planet. she laughed.

her concert in 1994 was her first in 27 years and quite an event. i went to the vip after party and saw every famous person i'd ever imagine seeing in one room. but the star was barbra. everyone else didn't matter to me. it was me and babs. we talked well into the morning hours. i kept thinking as we talked, shes barbra streisand. what a time i had.

in 2006, i went to her concert in florida. her publicist said to me, she performed for you tonite. she sang directly to me.. i felt flattered and self concious. after the show, i was escorted back stage and went into a room with some heavy duty luminaries. i sat in that room and began fuming that everyone was escorted into barbras dressing room and i sat like a bump on a log.. finally, marty ehrlichman, her manager, came up to me and said, be patient, she has to say hello to everyone but she wants to spend time with you so you'll go in last. last became my favorite word. finally i went to her dressing room and james brolin was there. i couldn't care less. babs and i began to talk and she asked how my daughter was and i asked how her son was. we all of the sudden were just two mothers talking about our kids.

she talked about her bout with agoraphobia and i talked about mine.she lost her father when she was 15 months old and that really defined her. i lost my father when i was 8 and that defined me for a long time. everything between us was so similiar but truly not.. shes barbra joan streisand.. icon. everyone on this planet with few exceptions know who she is. in my world, i'm very famous also (that just made me laugh) we chatted for about an hour and i told her i was coming to the show the next night again. she was happy about that she said. both nights she introduced me to her audience and all the sudden i was her friend. two jewessess! one who can sing and one who can't.

i havent seen babs since 2006 but shes never far from me.. her voice is the music of my soul and last night in the swimming pool and her singing, was dreamy. it was as close to perfection as one can get.

i wonder how this generation can rave about kayne west or emminem when they make noise, not music. even the ever anorexic celine can't hold a candle to barbra.

babs has been in my life since i was 19 years old. almost 50 years of babs and i never tire of hearing her sing.

i'm wistful today.

i'll be back.

much ado about nothing

i started writing a blog today and it disappeared. i'm soo pissed..

today is a big day in maui, i'm buying tissues. now i know thats not interesting but i like seeing those square boxes around the house in case i sneeze. this sounds much like a Seinfeld episode. i never saw seinfeld but i know the show was about nothing and me buying tissues, is also about nothing. talking about seinfeld, i think i'm the only one who doesn't like Curb your Enthusiasm. in fact, i can't stand larry davids gashiring. i find him very annoying. i do enjoy susie essman. i can listen to her curse for hours. my favorite tv shows are still law and order svu and law and order, in that order. i think svu is fabulous. i love mariska hargitay. shes gorgeous. i think chris meloni is perfect in his role.. the only one who seems not to belong is richard belzer. he's a comic playing a serious character, detective john munch. it just doesn't work for me.do you know that richard belzer is an identical twin. god does have a strange sense of humor. i also know that belzer and henry winkler are cousins. i enjoy knowing this crap.
on the regular law and order, jeremy sisto and anthony anderson both sport the same kind of facial hair which annoys me. there is little to differentiate the two except anderson is a man of color. but they're both low keyed and there are times i feel like dozing off. i wish one of them would shave.
talking about nothing, did you see julia and julie? i loved the julie part but didn't enjoy julia.. thats heresay to say anything bad about meryl streep.. her finest moment on film was sophies choice. i saw mama mia and said, that cant be the same woman . yikes what a debacle that was.
i think i would have been an awful movie critic. most movies are 20 minutes too long and i dislike most of them.someone recently said to me that sandra bullock was brilliant in her new movie.. Brilliant? give me a break.i don't think sandy as shes called, will be reading my blog so i'm safe.
well, its time to buy the tisses. if i bored you today, i understand. i've actually bored myself.
back later

MR. ED

i arrived in maui after mucho hours of flying. as predicted, my ankles were as swollen as a they've ever been BUT i've been blessed. the house in maui belongs to a friend who has a house manager to run the place.. the house manager has a 23 year old gorgeous daughter .. got that so far? they both picked me up at the airport to drive me to the house. when we got to the house, they unpacked for me. the daughter then said , linda look at your ankles. i said i know. this always happen after i fly.. she said let me massage them. i said you're gonna massage my ankles? are you nuts? she said, my job is working with horses and i always massage them ! after i stopped laffing that i was compared to a horse, she massaged my ankles for an hour and low and behold, they're back to normal.. the moral of this story is if you have swollen ankles, find someone who works with horses !

i'll be back

RAMBLINGS AND OTHER THINGS

it's 3 am and i'm waiting for my alarm to go off at 4 am to be ready to leave for the airport at 6am when my plane takes off at 8 am. this makes no sense to me. normal people would get up at 5 to get ready to go to the airport. but not me.. it's almost as though i have to be awake to welcome the alarm going off.

i'm all packed and now i have two hours to do what? i suppose i'll shower. years ago when i worked i'd have my clothes ready for my trip. always a lovely outfit with the right jewelry and of course fully made up.. now i fly with a pr. of leggings and a tee shirt and a jacket to cover my ass. i wear no makeup and probably look like a homeless person in my first class cabin. after flying first class once, you can't go back to coach. i've become a travelling snob. it's either first class or no class.

i worry about my ankles swelling up. when that happens my feet hurt for days.. in the old days i never gave my ankles anything thought. i don't know how these things happen. i'll probably go for a foot massage tomorrow and to an accupuncturist to deal with my ever swollen ankles. i've taken my water pills with me also to help. i'm a walking drug store.

years ago after a flight i'd go to my hotel and have a massage therapist immediately come to my room to give me a jet lag massage. times they are a changing !

my cousin barbara told me this blog is depressing her because it's true. barbara has an issue with age and aging anyway.. she looks really young but keeps saying her body knows shes 68. it drives her crazy. revealing her age on my blog should really blow her mind. she'll forgive me, she always does. thats the beauty of our relationship. my other relatives, not so much. everyone in my family is angry with every other member of the family. they're quite a bunch. but thats for another day.


off to the shower i go but i'll be back.

NO SENSE !

what a difference a half a day makes. i'm feeling better but still pissed off.. as of now, i'm leaving for maui on schedule, if i don't feel well in the morning, i'll cancel. i slept on and off most of the day and finished packing. i'm ready to roll . i took some books with me to read on the plane. sweet little books. carl reiners, Just desserts. should be light and airy.

as i'm writing this i have oprah on and shes interviewing Whitney Houston. and i think i have problems !!.. that is one screwed up lady. when i was much younger i met whitney for a fleeting moment and she was without a doubt one of the most gorgeous creatures ever.. she went on to a big career and then BOBBIE BROWN.. not the makeup but the nutbar. oh well, back to me.

maybe i should bring jesus into my life. it seems to work for whitney and many other artists. of course, i'm not an artist a minor point.

i'm talking nonsense now so i'll leave you for now. i'll be back..

MEDICAL MYSTERY

i never expected this blog to become a medical journal but alas it has become one.
last night i decided to stay up to watch william shatners new show RAW NERVE because tony danza was on the show. i've met tony many times and adore him. i knew he got a divorce and wanted to hear about it.. of course he never talked about it. but i digress.. while i was watching the show, i got an terrible pain in my stomache and thought i remembered that when a pain like that comes, to lay on your left side. then i thought, maybe its the right side. so like a fool i was rolling back and forth without any relief. i then lay on my belly and voilla, the pain subsided. i then proceeded to be up and down all nite in total discomfort. i woke up this morning with aches and pains and a headache which is something i seldom get. i then had another bout of diahrrea. right now i feel like crap. i'm thinking of postponing my trip to maui til monday if need be. but i'll wait til later in the day to make that decision.

i've been working with a functional medicine doctor since traditional doctors keep telling me something is wrong with my blood work but they can't find out what. the functional medicine doctor sent me for all these fancy schmancy blood tests to see if i have TOXIC MOLD POISONING. her feeling is florida is loaded with mold and i might be that one in a million that has it.. to me it sounds really stupid but i'm a desperate soul. all i know is somethings not right with me. i've been poked, prodded and whatever by some of the best drs and they've not come up with any answers. i'm really pissed off today. i feel like an alcoholic who says i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.. i don't even drink.

i'm packed and ready to go to maui, which is paradise and i don't have the get up and go to get up and go.

i'll be back later hopefully in a better mood .

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

i just finished packing.. thats the worst part of travelling.. i just lied. the worst part of travelling is travelling.

i packed a small bag of clothes since i plan on being in the pool all day. i've hired a water aerobics instructor to work with me 3 x a week. so clothes are inconsequential.

let me describe my carry on bag. i have packed, all my prescription meds (8 of them) and the following.. maalox for heartburn, immodium for diahrrea, senacot for constipation, creams for unexplained rashes, creams for explained rashes,bufferin for headaches and fever. i have nasonex for allergies, saline solution for a stuffy nose compazine for nausea and vomiting. i have bacterial hand sanitizer, lysol wipes to clean off my seat on the airplane. i packed my TENS machine which is an electro stimulation machine for your back should it go out.

when i was young i packed my diaphram that was it..life plays these tricks on you. one minute you're a sexpot, the next a freaking pharmacy !!!!!!

ahhh this aging really does suck !

be back soon..

GOING TO THE DOGS

i just noticed i have many followers now.. one is a dog which suits me fine.

FRIENDS AND OTHER THINGS

well, my fever is gone and last night i was up and down all night.. i think the worst is over. i'm leaving for hawaii on tuesday and better be in good shape to fly. i'm really looking forward to a 13 hour trip!!!!! i wish they had rockets going to maui.
one of the things i concern myself with at this age is there is paltry medical care where i'm staying in maui.. when did i ever worry about that before????????? geeze

the last two weeks of my vacation, my old friends are joining me. cissy who has psorasis and is in constant pain with it.. eileen who never complains about anything (don't you hate that kind of person) lori who i pray will complain and elizabeth who i enjoy discussing mental illness with. we both had relatives who were mentally ill and we really enjoy exchanging war stories together.

i know eileen since the day i was born.. my mother was friends with her parents when they were kids. eileen just came in the package of my life. my memory of eileen was as a glamour gal. shes five years older than i am so we weren't friends when i was younger. instead, i was friends with her sister, who frankly i never liked. eileen and i became friends when i became and adult. we were both pregnant at the same time, she with her daughter lori and me with my son jordan. eileen gained 80 lbs and i gained 17. eileen, who is a naturally thin woman lost her 80lbs days after she gave birth. i'm still trying to get rid of my 17 lbs. lori is coming to maui also and shes a delicious spirit.

my friend cissy i met at mt. sinai hospital.. her husband and my then boyfriend (i was 50 at the time and boyfriend sounds silly) shared at room in the hospital. her husband had serious brain surgery and my friend had a minor stroke. isn't this all sexy so far.. cissy came into the room the first time.. and we smiled hello to one another. her husbands dr came into the room and said to her. cissy, you're husband will be back to normal. she said.. his normal wasn't really good do you have another suggestion? i howled with laughter and a friendship was born.

elizabeth i met at canyon ranch. i worked there summers as a lecturer on life and humor. i met thousands of people. over the course of the years i worked there and befriended two. one was elizabeth. i remember talking to her and finding her very bright and deliciously funny. and without me realizing it, a friendship was being born.

i'm looking forward to my time in maui with them.. the interesting thing is none of them know each other.

be back with more soon.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF !

today is a goodie. i have diahrrea, sore throat and swollen glands and i consider this is one of my good days. at least i have a fever to prove i'm really sick.. usually i just wake up with sports injuries like twisted arms, shoulders,back pain . i don't work out at all so how the hell this happens is beyond me.. my drs say its part of the aging process.. screw them..

my friends and i discuss this often and we all are pissed about this freaking aging process. sure the alternative sucks but we are trying to find an alternative to the alternatives.

stand by, i'll be back