CONFIDENCE

i had a very interesting conversation with myself today. i'm here in maui by myself and i just let my mind roam. it occured to me that i'm very self confident and wondered where it came from.. nobody in my family is confident.. my generation that is.

i went back to my childhood, which was very difficult and recall i was a quiet, shy little girl who seldom spoke and i can't recall ever not feeling scared. as a teenager i pretended to be self confident which i pulled off well because i was physically mature for my age and used foul language as often as possible and i smoked. i probably looked confident to others but i never felt secure or protected. i do recall one incidence which has stayed with me my entire life and i think this was a life altering experience for me as silly as it might sound.

i went food shopping with my beloved aunt pat and i was schlepping her shopping cart and at some point she stopped walking and turned to me and said..YOU DRAG THAT SHOPPING CART BETTER THAN ANYONE I'VE EVER SEEN.. can you imagine that i still remember that.. i remember feeling, smart and so very compentent.. that may have been the beginning for me.

when i got married i felt competent cause i knew how to do laundry and clean a house better than anyone my age. i was only 19 ! yikes.. i had a sick mother so if i didn't do these chores as a kid it just wouldn't get done. i recall my mother in law saying to me your whites aren't as white as they should be. i remember turning to her, indignently and saying.. listen my dear, there is no one who can do laundry better than me ! i felt confident and competent then also.. i look back and wonder if i was sane getting pissed at laundry. i believe from those two incidents that i mentioned that my feeling of confidence was born.. two simple incidences.

when i went into business when i was in my late forties, i went to meetings with ceo's, creative heads of companies, etc and my cousin asked me if i was nervous going into these meetings. i looked at her like she had two heads. i said, they're just people with regular lives who still make doody like we do. i said, they have more to fear with me than me with them. i have no idea why i said that.

i became very successful in my business and never once was intimidated by anyone. thats a lie. there was a young woman, named jocelyn who was short and insignifigant and she scared me i think cause she also thought she was confident. how ridiculous was that.. we eventually became friends after doing many jobs together and truth is, she wasn"t as confident as i suspected.

so the question remains, did schlepping that shopping cart become the catalyst for me thinking well of myself?????????????? it's a mystery.

i would like to reveal, that when it comes to technology, i feel like a moron. i have a computer and can do a few things with it.. i have a cell phone that scares me when it rings and wireless to me is like STARWARS. i have been asked many times if i have a router and i pause and say. am i supposed to???????

be back soon